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Back from the dead and into the living...

Where have I been these past four months?  Nowhere.  I've just been working on staying sober.  These last few months have been a tangle of more successes and failures, good days and bad days.  Today I feel like I'm finally on my way back to the world of the living.


after a long break...

I can't believe it's already February.

I've been so preoccupied/occupied in my day-to-day life that I haven't been able to find time to blog. 

Life goes on. 

Lots of stuff have happened - good and bad.  I'm still hanging in there - still SOBER!   (wtf??) 

Have you ever laid awake at night thinking about all the things you are grateful for?  I have been doing that more and more.  It's hard to explain, but I think I am finally at a point where I must surrender.  I am not my own HP, neither are my family, friends, job, etc.  Asking for help is acceptable in my new life & state of mind.  I cannot do this thing called recovery alone. 

Today I am grateful for all that I have.  Tomorrow is tomorrow.

xoxo for today.


I've been out of touch for awhile.  Seems I went back out, driving the bus once again.  I also had the chance to spill come "happy juice" on my laptop keyboard, which immediately became bunk... had to send it out for repairs, and unfortunately had limited access to e-mail. 

Ever since, I've been struggling, but am forging along like a dust in the wind... I will post more later.  I truly appreciate all the support I received these last few weeks, and I promise I will keep you guys posted.

Happy New Year.

Jealousy I'm not proud of...

Jealousy is the mortal enemy of self-esteem and, obviously, our esteem of anyone else.  Born of fear, jealousy is never about what "they" have or are, but always about us.  People who are often jealous are people who habitually make comparisons -and always come out on the short end of the deal.  The antidote to jealousy is to become convinced that we are just fine the way we are.  It is to know that whatever we have- more than some, less than others- means next to nothing in the final accounting.  After all, if we are on good terms with ourselves, how much difference can it make if we add more things to our catalog of possessions?  It's nice but not necessary.   On the other hand, if we aren't convinced of our own substance, even boatloads of new things will never be enough.  And the losing comparisons between ourselves and others will never end.  Jealousy makes it impossible to have friends and because friendship is essential in self-esteem building, the two cannot coexist.  We can't be much of a friend if our friend's happiness or success is threatening to us.  Who wants a friend like that?  When I am okay with me, I can only celebrate whatever good befalls those around.  If I am not - all the world is a threat.

I sincerely wish all success and happiness for my friends.

Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.  - Elizabeth Bowen

From Believing in Myself, Dec, 27.

Am I a jealous person?  I hang my head and I'd have to say 'yes.'   Weirdly, certain things make me jealous and other things don't.  I admit embarrassingly that I've been crazy jealous of my boyfriends exes.  Even though I knew that there was nothing going on, I'd always imagine the worst.  And is it true that you should mostly be jealous of the ones (other girls/women) that you don't know about that you should be jealous/wary of, as opposed to the ones (girls/women) you are aware of?  Chances are that nothing is going on with the women you imagine is still a part of your man's life?  I get jealous because I am insecure about myself.  I need to get over myself or else I face a life of misery, and you know how they say 'misery loves company'.

Lately my heart is crushed by a former love,
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

-All American Rejects

Separation anxiety

Today I am aware of my fear of being separate.  It takes subtle forms because I fear rejection and abandonment.  If someone I love disagrees with me or holds a different point of view, I get scared and want either to pull away of to argue until their point of view matches mine.  I am aware not that these are separation issues.  I was afraid that if I separated from my parents and family, no one would be there when I returned, that things would somehow be changed or different.  I did not have the important experience of leaving and returning over and over again, learning that  can be separate and still stay connected.  I see now that I need to work on this issue so that I can come to understand that I can have both self and intimate relations in my life.

I can learn to separate and retain both myself and another.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.  -William Shakespeare.

From Forgiving and Moving On, p. 363.

Fear and abandonment. 

My two best friends. 

I've spent way too much time in my life feeling sorry for myself because of my esteem issues.  I think I may have been using others to build up my self-esteem. - to define myself and who I was, or to feel valued based on who I was with. Part of my recovery needs to be focused on feeling that I'm worth something.  I need to work on being confident in myself and value myself for who I am.  It's just really difficult for me.  I may seem like a secure person, but nothing could be further from the truth.  I fear being alone for the rest of my life, but I know the day will come where what I deserve will enter my life.  Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.  Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I lived as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

- Whitney Houston

Christmas 2006

Xmas day 2006. 

It wasn't all that bad of a Christmas day considering.
I've been reading over my last posts for the past few months - it's crazy writing what a depressed person I am. To my credit at least I've sought the best addiction psychatrist in the state.  I've been religious with my new meds, well, almost.  I've gone to AA almost every day.  I've called my sponsor daily, even to check in.  My AA meeting was great today.  Sharing sobriety with a bunch of drunks and drug addicts on xmas day may not be the average person's idea of a perfect Christmas, but.... Jeez...people I know today have what I want.  I'm glad that I went and that there are so many people who attended who are just. like. me....  trying to get through the holidays.  My new years' resolution is to look for the positiveness in life.  I'm going to be just fine I just know it.  My NewSponsor and I am going to work the steps this year, and we're going to start soon. I am so grateful for that.  I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this, holding in all my baggage and wreckage.  Most can only wish for a friend/sponsor like her.

One more song.  And my iPod is going to burn out.  It's by Weezer and well, it's a great song.

Perfect Situation

What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain.
There's the pitch, slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing
and I'm the hero, but I'm the zero.

Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no break
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
I just pass through...


Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wander...
Can you blame her?

Oh.. Oh..

Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.



How to conquer co-dependency?

        December 25

Today I remind myself that the only place from which I can live is inside of me.  When I try to live in someone else's insides, I lose my own because I cannot be in two places at once.  My co-dependency is so second nature to me that I think in terms of other people more quickly than I think in terms of myself.  I quietly obsess about how other people affect me, replacing their concerns for mine.  What I want (on an almost unconscious level) to change about myself, I attempt to correct in them.  The idea that I am powerless over another person is as terrifying to me today as it was as a child, when I could do nothing to help, fix or control my parents.  I couldn't then and I can't now.

I accept my powerlessness over people.

We are all of us calling and calling across the incalculable gulfs which separate us even from our nearest friends.  -David Grayson

From Forgiving and Moving On, p. 360.

Merry Christmas and Peace On Earth


So I had a heart to heart with psycho dad tonight.  Ever since the last confrontation I've been ignoring the jerk.   He's been overly critical and paranoid since that last fiasco with the vodka bottle.  I'd spare the details since they are too hideous to mention here.  He apologized for his psychotic behavior and said that he had no reason to react the way he did over the last few... events. Which are not even 'events' if you know what I mean.  I'm glad that the folks are getting their own help but Jesus, why do I still feel like the idiot?

forgiving the past

Forgiving the Past

Today I recognize forgiveness as the quickness road to freedom and serenity.  When I forgive my past, I release myself from the grip that it has on present.  I no longer carry that heavy baggage around with me.  It is difficult to live in peace today if I am psychically engaged in yesterday’s battles.  Though it may be very painful, I will take on my issues and resolve them to the best of my ability either with the people involved, in a supportive therapeutic situation or within the quiet of my own heart.  I cannot forgive and release what I do not first feel and come to terms with.  The type of forgiveness that bypasses this stage only pays lip service to letting go.  I will do what I need to do today to process fully the parts of my past that remain unresolved so that I can let them go.

 I meet my past honestly and with integrity.

 Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.  Harriet U. Nelson.

From Forgiving and Moving On, p. 359.


the rest of my life

What I Can and Cannot Do

Each day I become increasingly clear about the people, places and things in my life over which I have some control and those over which I have none.  When I operate under the illusion that I can control what is beyond my ken, I lose my serenity in my frantic efforts to effect change. When, on the other hand, I do not take needed actions to make life changes, I become despondent and discouraged.  I let go of that which is essentially beyond my control and I take positive steps to make changes where possible.  Today I separate what I can do something about and what I cannot.  This is how I retain my peace of mind.

I see that there are things I can control and things I cannot.

... And the wisdom to know the difference.  Reinhold Niebuhr, Serenity Prayer.

From Forgiving and Moving On, p.358.

I was just thinking that this time of year for me, this year, is the height of irony.  I'm completely surrounded by family, friends and lots of love, yet I feel lonelier than ever.  The last few years have been less than fun, but this year, being stress and drama-free seems so out of character for my unmanageable chaotic life.  The good thing is, at least this year I won't spend it alone with my bottle and my head in the kitchen sink.  I realize that rehashing the events of, say, last year, is pointless. I love my family and friends, and all things living that are here to show me compassion and support.  It's no accident that this is my favorite song.

Rest of My Life
Unwritten Law

Am I the only one that feels alone
Though, all is home
Emotions flow
Am I the only one that hears the tears run down my face
Would anybody recognize at all

Cause I know
I'm so slow
But I'm tryin
And I'm still dyin to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my

Life's the only thing that deals the pain
Like pouring rain down
Breeding hate
And I don't wanna do no wrong
My God, it's been so long
Please comfort me
Before I go insane

Cause I know
I'm so slow
But I'm tryin
And I'm still dyin to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life

I know
I'm so slow
But I'm trying
And I'm still dying to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life

the rest of my life, na na na na na na na na na na

I'm so stoned
But i'm tryin
And i'm still dyin to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my
I can't have you leave for the rest of my
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life